#voicethisout Hi Anu Akka,

Nov 23, 2021 – The day we lost our dear baby at 7 weeks 4 days
And, it happened yet again. We got pregnant naturally yet again. And, lost the pregnancy at an early stage yet again. This time, however, it was different. It felt different. It felt right. It felt like this time, it was our time. And hence, this time the pain is more deeply embedded. We got to know that we conceived naturally on the day of my husband’s birthday. Couldn’t be a more dramatic day, could it? And thus began our journey, quite differently than last time when we lost the pregnancy without even knowing that we had conceived.
This time, I was nauseated. This time, I could feel the twitches and tingles in my uterus as it expanded over the weeks. This time, there was a heartbeat and we heard it too – what a surreal moment I must say. This time, we connected with the growing life and spoke to her (kinda always felt it was a girl) every day. And so this time, it hurts deeper.
We had a missed miscarriage at 7 weeks, 4 days – the day I was scheduled for my weekly ultrasound to check the progress of the fetus (personally, we preferred calling her our baby). I went in for the scan feeling so positive, that’s pretty much how I had been feeling all these days because this time, it felt right, it felt real.
But our world came crashing down when the radiologist couldn’t pick up a heartbeat anymore. She kept asking me if I bled or experienced sharp abdominal cramps. I said, I didn’t. In fact, I had been nauseated that morning too. But I knew it was over. It couldn’t be a faulty scan. It was what it was. They call it a missed miscarriage – when the baby stops growing inside and yet the process of miscarrying the baby doesn’t start naturally and the expectant mother experiences absolutely no symptoms of a miscarriage. Our baby had stopped growing a few days after we heard her heartbeat. Her journey as part of our lives ended there, at 6 weeks 5 days.
Our hearts sank as we met our doctor with the reports. At that moment, more than the loss, I was dreading what was to come, that is, passing our dead baby from my body. Life’s so cruel, I kept telling myself. After bringing an almost 360-degree change in our lives, healing our mind and body over the past 2 years, this couldn’t be happening to us again. I couldn’t stop the stream of tears, as I sat at the lab waiting for my ultrasound reports, while crossing the road to go to the clinic right across, sitting at the clinic waiting for our doctor, inside her chamber, at our home once we were done consulting, at the hospital while waiting at the reception as my husband got the formalities done, and until the very last second just before they put me under anesthesia. It felt like someone stabbed my heart.
It hurt me to see everything that my husband was bottling inside to be my rock. We had our moment of grief just before we left the house for the D&C – a medical procedure to remove the products of conception under anesthesia. I saw him break down for the first time in the 10 years I have known him. It left me shattered.
We cried in each other’s arms, spoke to our baby, and thanked her for choosing to be a part of our lives, even though it was short, said a little prayer for her and let her go. We grieved together for her even though our hearts broke but it made us stronger at that moment as husband and wife. We felt even closer than we ever had, tied together by a force stronger than anything we ever experienced. The pain was gut-wrenching but, in that loss, we found strength.
Once we were at the hospital, we requested a repeat ultrasound. Yet again the results were, as expected, unchanged. I made myself strong in that moment as the doctor explained how a miscarriage is nature’s way of filtering out babies that develop chromosomal or genetic abnormalities. Logic, sure, but does it work in those moments? Can’t say! I had one last look at the monitor and bid farewell to our little champ, ‘Next time, I hope you’ll be stronger, my little one…’.
The procedure lasted 30 minutes, add 3 hours of the anesthesia effect and by the time I was shifted back to the room, it was past evening. Messages and calls from loved ones started pouring in, they gave us strength and hope. I video called my mother, I knew she’d be inconsolable, she’s a mother herself and knew exactly what the would-be mother in me would be experiencing. I gave her strength and told her that I will be okay, yeah it would take time. Night times are always the worst and I couldn’t sleep a wink I lived those moments again and again. Sobbed a little, patted myself dry, and sobbed a little again.
I’d then turn my gaze at my husband on the bedside couch. In that moment, even though I was mourning our loss, I thanked the Almighty for having him by my side, my rock, my soul mate, my everything… I told myself ‘We’ll have a baby in our arms when God feels the time is right for us, but I am grateful that we are together, I am grateful for the love we have for each other and I am grateful for the strength that we are for each other, forever and always… that’s enough to keep us going until the next milestone…so thank you, God!’
Sending you and your family love from Bangalore.
Pray for us!
Regards,
Paromita