#voicethisout

Hi mam…This is a married newly delivered medico doing post-graduation. I love your posts containing social reformative messages. It made me burst my suffering which I couldn’t share with anyone and hardly wanted you to voice this out. I Will be more than happy if you do so.

I have been born into a middle-class family with an educated working mother and an uneducated father doing business.

I am born black. From the day I Could understand, from the age I could understand, I kept on hearing taunting from my neighbors, family, friends, and relatives.
“Being a girl, born black, how ugly she is”
“How come one be this ugly and black”
“Better face wash frequently”
“Better apply this that and that etc.,”
“Her neighbor sister used to take her for a while though she is dark”
“She doesn’t look like our caste girl”
“Blacky is going”
Having heard this right from my childhood, my self-esteem is gone, increased my inferiority complex, urged me to go on crave for methods that promise to look fair, crave affection from others, etc.,
Their taunting made me think low of myself, every second thinking about my complexion psychologically affected, killed my happiness, killed my smile, killed my everything. Literally, I didn’t even enjoy a single second in my childhood. Though my mother backed me up I couldn’t come out of my inferiority complex which is chasing me

even now and which made me think of marrying a fair guy at any cost so that my baby wouldn’t end with a similar fate to mine.
But fate forced me to marry a guy who is relatively fairer than me. This inferiority complex of mine even made my marriage life bitter. Though he is a nice guy, I vented out my helplessness and sufferings as anger towards him and his fairest siblings made my marriage life more bitter. God is so cruel that I gave birth to a baby who is blacker than me.

Which made my mother-in-law call him karuvaya (Blacky), karuva thambhi (Black kiddo), he is blacker than her mother, and so on even from 2 weeks of his birth. I Couldn’t bare this.
Mine was an emergency c section as I got covid. Kept all alone from the day before surgery to 4 days after surgery with not even anyone by my side. I didn’t even see my baby for a week. Didn’t breastfeed him for 1 week. Being all alone after surgery, going to the bathroom by myself, bearing pain, everything by myself. went out of hell for a week …

Being in severe postpartum depression, having a misunderstanding with my husband who didn’t even talk to me from the day of surgery. Those words of my mother-in-law literally made me think about why I am alive. Which words I don’t want to hear for my baby, which complexion I don’t want my baby to have, which suffering that I suffered that I don’t want my baby to Suffer is right before me now. I couldn’t stand this.
But after a month of suffering by myself I now slowly trying to come out thinking God has other plans for me.

He is making me accept my baby how he is born. He is making me teach him what I have been not taught. He is making me teach others who say black is ugly, which my mother failed to teach me.

*But is born black such a sin that is making my life such a bitter till now? What is my mistake? Why are others taunting those born black, that made them lose their happiness, self-esteem, their true character, and their life?

Will they change themselves by understanding these?
Will they stop killing their self-esteem??*
I am terribly shaken to face my little one facing the same situation as mine … the same taunting as mine…